If you don't tip, I will spit in your grocery bag. Wait, what?

Tip jars are getting out of hand. I am finding them popping up in the most inappropriate places as of late. Just because you are doing something for me does not mean I am obligated to tip you. I am sorry some jobs are just that, YOUR JOB! That is what you get paid to do whether it is ringing me up at Jiffy Lube or working behind the counter at a 7 Eleven (I have seen jars at both locations). I classify a job worthy of tipping being one in which the person (or persons) is doing me a direct favor. For instance, I tip my hair stylist, the dudes that wash my car at White Glove, not to mention the wait staff at restaurants. They are all doing a service for me that, honesty; I really don’t want to do.

Last summer while Captain and I were vacationing at the shore, I had to run into a small seaside supermarket. While in line at the checkout I saw a tiny tip jar that read “Vacation Fund” or a similarly trite statement.

Um….No! How about no?

You are working in a grocery store. You were hired to scan groceries. Period. That's your job. You knew this going into it. If you wanted to earn extra money, do something that is worthy of tipping. Don’t just stand there cracking your gum and filing your nails waiting on your idiotic customers to place their loose change in your little tin can. I am willing to bet you get paid minimum wage as opposed to my waitress at the Pancake House across the street. She is dependent on the generosity of her company’s guests in order to pay her bills.

The idea of putting out a tip jar at a job that doesn’t require tipping made me think, “I wonder if I could make some extra cheddar if I put out a tip jar?” If others have the audacity to expect money for doing nothing in particular, then why not me. So starting tomorrow, I will be placing a tip jar next to my computer with some clever note about starving artists or beer funds taped to the front.

Now what to spend the extra funds on...

8 year old + movie = cuteness

This past Memorial Day I had the opportunity to take my 8-year-old cousin, J5, to the movies.

Ok, It was just a pure co-winkie-dink. I had wanted to see Night at the Museum 2 but felt funny going alone. As side note: my father was in fact that creepy person. He saw the first movie on a cruise ship and didn’t think it was strange he was the only adult without a minor. He reason for going to the movie...free popcorn.

With that little nugget festering in the back of my head, I thought it wouldn’t be as creepy if I brought a kid with me. So where does one find a kid when you need one. My nephew (L.C.) is far to small to see a movie, so he was out. When the roomies returned from the shore in the late morning, they brought up (in passing) that my cousin mentioned that he wanted to see it. So being a kick-ass cousin with ulterior motives that I am, I volunteered to take him.

I haven’t experienced a kid at the movies in a long time. And it was such a delight. Although the movie was entertaining (it wasn’t as near as good as the first), I found it was far more enjoyable to watch his reaction to the special effects, his favorite were the talking Einstein Bobble Heads.

J5 was on the edge of seat for most of the movie. His mouth hanging open in awe of walking dinosaur, the mischievous monkey, and the airplanes flew across the screen. I will say some of the effects were pretty impressive. I would have loved to see more of the jumping into paintings and less of the singing cherubs. My favorite effect was the animated balloon dog by Jeff Koons.

The most precious moment of the afternoon came right before the climax. It was a simple a joke about Archie Bunker’s chair. The head villain, played by Hank Azaria (TV’s own Moe Szyslak) proclaimed, that he wasn’t sure whom Archie Bunker was but that he did have the most comfortable throne. The parents (and cousins) in the crowed all laughed and J5 turned to me with a perplexed look.

“I don’t get it.” He loudly whispered to me.
Whispering back, I said, “oh J, one day you will, and you will laugh. I promise.”

Your Daily Barista

I Live in a Constant Seinfeld Episode - Exhibit B

Today for lunch I decided to eat something that I haven’t had since Christmas, a Cosi Signature Salad. I love those friggin things. Cosi, like most sandwich shops, have a discount/member card that you get swiped with every purchase. It keeps track of what you order and you are awarded points towards free food and drinks.


I lost my card. I normally wouldn’t be pissed about it; however, I had earned a free entrée. Since I had/have no money, I could have cashed in on that deal.

I only bring this up as Exhibit B on how my life is like a Seinfeld episode. You may remember the Festivus episode entitled “The Strike” where "Elaine's use of a fake phone number backfires when she loses a card that will entitle her to a free sandwich."*

Here is the supporting evidence:
"The Strike"
Original air date: Aired: 12/18/1997 - Season 9, Episode 10


Here is a clip to hold you over until find the actual clip.

Your Daily (and slightly broke) Barista

*http://www.tv.com/Seinfeld/The+Strike/episode/2406/summary.html
http://www.getcosi.com/default.asp

Decidedly Decent Deeds Done Cheap

As I have said before I live a very Seinfeldesque life, which in itself is a very selfish, egocentric lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong; I am not a bad person. I was raised right. I was taught that I should treat others, as I would like to be treated.

However, as I got older I realized that people are selfish, mean creatures. I lost count of how many men (in my own office building) never let women on or off the elevators first. Once I even bore witness to a woman neglecting to hold a door open for another woman pushing a stroller resulting in the door slamming into the stroller. Don’t even get me started on the lack of “Please” and “Thank you” I come across on a daily basis. I just felt that helping out my fellow man (and woman) went a bit unappreciated.

Today my icy heart has begun the long process of defrosting and I did something that I normally wouldn’t do, I gave a woman boarding the bus change for a $5. I generally don’t like rummaging through my purse in search of something nor do I like whipping out cash in a crowded place. But I genuinely felt sorry for her and I knew I had the change. She spoke very broken English and seemed very grateful.

Oh and I said “Bless You” to a woman who sneezed in line at Starbucks this morning. Twice.

I am on a goddamn roll.

I kinda like the new, helpful me. There better be an old lady in need of assistance crossing Broad Street tomorrow.

Your Daily Barista

Sweaty-Man Junk

For the past 5 days Captain Fantastic’s “starship” has been out of commission. He decided that it would be a good idea to replace the engine on the vehicle himself. He’s not a mechanic but he is rather mechanical. So in the interim I have been staying in his “love-nasium” and he has been driving me to/from work.

It’s been 5 days and today, day 5, I have hit my boiling point. I want my car back. I have learned first hand the meaning behind my mom’s phrase “I don’t like when others drive my car.” I used to think she was saying this to be snarky and to deter me from borrowing her Acura.

The Captain has funked up my car in the worst way. Every night he has been coming to pick me up covered (head to toe) in grease, grime, and a distinct odor of sweaty man junk. I told him “God damnit, you’re a mess. Look at you.” To which his reply was “I look like hard work and smell like man”

[As a side note: For the past 7 years that I have been driving VW Beetles (Oops! my secret is out), I always joke that if Bubbles (my car) was a human, it would be a homosexual male (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) It has a very feminine look but has the engine power of a real manly sports car. After the secretion of the Captain’s funk this past week, Bubbles will be playing for the other team. ]

During the ride home I could feel my anger rising. The dirt, the smell…the traffic. It was all affecting me in a way that had the potential of turning real ugly, real quick.

When we arrived home I had two options: 1) go upstairs and start a massive battle over his state-of-disarray and lack of respect for my car, or 2) go home.

I went home.

It took 7 Clorox wipes to get the initial layer of funk off of poor Bubbles’ interior. The smell was all that had lingered. To prevent it from seeping into my pores I drove the 20 minutes home with the windows open. It didn’t help. On the way back to his apartment I stopped at Wawa and picked up an air freshener, hoping that it will mask that noxious odor.

Now I am happy to say, that Bubbles smells of Strawberries with only the mild aroma of sweaty man junk.

The Captain better show Bubbles some TLC.

Your Daily Barista

I Live in a Constant Seinfeld Episode - Exhibit A

Seinfeld is one of the greatest shows ever to be television. Their story lines hold true to this day, a mere 20 years later (the show ran from 1989 until is stellar season finale in 1998).

I, myself, am finding that I am living a Seinfeldesque life. Specifically, I am living the 4th season when George Costanza (who, funnily enough, resembles my dad: short, stocky, and balding) is living with his over the top parents.

Exhibit #A:

The other night I decided to make myself a sandwich for dinner. I opened the fridge to get the proper accouterments needed for building a sandwich – bread, cheese, ham, etc. It came to no surprise that there was a lack of bread.

I turned to my mom (whom, may I add, was cleaning up after a hot dinner she had made for my dad) and asked “Do we have any slice bread?" Then turned back to the fridge to see what other type of sandwich anchors I could find (pita, English muffin, hot dog bun). When none could be found I turned back to the counter ready to declare defeat. And that is when I saw her pull a knotted Wonder Bread bag from the garbage.

In all seriousness, she said “Here,” and tosses the bag at me. “I just put it in the trash, it’s still good. It was right on top and still in the bag.”

Here is the supporting evidence:
"The Gymnast"
original air date: November 3, 1994

I ate Cheerios for dinner that night.

Sorry for the short post today….busy as a bumbling, bumble bee at the office today.

Your Daily Barista

*Cast picture from http://www.sonypictures.com/tv/shows/seinfeld/

"So what can I get for this?"

I don’t know why people keep books that they have already read. Are they trophies to show people what we have accomplished over the years? Is it to showoff how intelligent we are, to give us a sudden bit of snobbery? To show that we have read Euripides, The Good Earth, or even The Kite Runner?

Thanks to Captain Fantastic, I have developed quite an addiction. It’s not a life threatening addiction (no need to call Intervention) but an addiction nonetheless. I have found Swaptree.com.

And it is friggin’ AMAAAAAZING.

In recent years I have been come an avid reader. I love reading and Swaptree has revolutionized my life. It’s great. You list the books you have using the IBSN number then describe their condition. Once you have your “Want List” generated, Swaptree does the rest. They figure out who has what you are looking for and what they want of yours. All you have to do is accept (or deny) the trade, then mail out your piece.

With the help of Swaptree I have acquired a slew of books that I actually want to read and have been meaning to purchase over the past few years. My 2009 summer reading list is starting to develop nicely:

Stiff - Mary Roach
Thunderstruck - Erik Larson (one of my favorite writers)
Mozart's Sister - Nancy Moser
Glamorama - Bret Easton Ellis (another favorite)
The First Assistant/The Second Assistant - Clare Naylor
Twilight – Stephanie Myer
The God of Small Things - Arundhati Roy
Light Before Day - Christopher Rice
The Pilot's Wife - Anita Shreve
Word Freak - Stefan Fatsis (can’t wait to read this)
One Fifth Avenue - Candace Bushnell
Blindness - Jose Saramago
The Reader - Bernhard Schlink
Deception Point - Dan Brown
Geek Love - Katherine Dunn
Nickel and Dimed - Barbara Ehrenreich
Scar Tissue - Anthony Kiedis
The Little Lady Agency and the Prince - Hester Browne
The Angel of Darkness - Caleb Carr
1776 - David Willis McCullough
The Other Boleyn Girl - Philippa Gregory
Suite Francaise - Irene Nemirovsky
Haunted - Chuck Palahniuk (a writing god!)

But it gets better! I know what you are thinking, how can such a kicka** service get any better? Dude you can trade (and trade for) CDs, video games, and movies. Seriously. It's pretty sweet! New movies, to classics. PC Games to Wii games (although Wii games are extremely hard to come by, trust me!).

I highly recommend everyone to come down from his or her high horse, clean off his or her bookshelves, and consider using this service. It is free to use (you only pay for mailing out your item) and it helps the environment. In less than 10 months, I have saved a total of $238 dollars and my carbon footprint has been decreased by 305lbs.

Your Daily Barista

http://www.swaptree.com/WebFrmUserHomePage.aspx