I Thought "You'd Do Anything for Love..."

But apparently spending the rest of your life with someone and being happy was the "...but I won't do that" part.

God Meatloaf, you are such a jerk!

OK, so I am a little behind the times on this one. To be accurate, I am 31 years behind the times. I recently (re)discovered Paradise By the Dashboard Light by Meatloaf (from this point on, I will refer to Meatloaf as Mr. Loaf.)

Tux - Check
Long hair, wind machine- Double Check
Sweaty brow - Check

Scarf - Check

This song isn't entirely new to me. My parents, primarily my mother who shaped my musical upbringing, were never real fans of Mr. Loaf. I can remember hearing this song on our local rock stations as I was growing up, but the stain from his newer music at the time, the I Would Do Anything for Loves, made me turn the channel whenever his music was played.

On a side note: What is it with this man and bats coming out of hell? Anyone?

About a month or so ago, I was sifting through my iTunes looking for some new blood for my rotation and I decided to give Mr. Loaf a shot. If I skip him 3 or more times he would get the cut. I figured "I like Meatloaf, both the man and the meal, and I miss him and his sweaty, scarf waving, operatic duets."

I {heart} Meatloaf. Check out this recipe.

So a few nights ago I was driving to the Captain's house. Unable to listen to the pure crap that followed a strangely fascinating Delilah dedication, I switched to my iPod. After rocking out to some stellar tracks from Heart, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Paul McCartney, Mr. Loaf and Paradise by the Dashboard Light made his debut.

Since it had been a while since I had listened to the song, I decided to pay attention to the lyrics. And they were profound. At the beginning of the song I remember thinking "Awe it's such a sweet little story. Mr. Loaf has the girl of his dreams. Good for him."

I remember every little thing
As if it happened only yesterday
Parking by the lake
And there was not another car in sight
And I never had a girl
Looking any better than you did
And all the kids at school
They were wishing they were me that night

As the song progressed my thoughts began to change. Mr. Loaf was getting a little pushy.

And I gotta let ya know
No you're never gonna regret it
So open up your eyes I got a big surprise
It'll feel all right
Well I wanna make your motor run

Then, oh my God, it really did hit me like a tidal wave. I think I even gasped in horror. Meat is such a JERK.

No not Meatloaf. Not Bob. Not the gentle, testicular cancer survivor with boobs from Fight Club.

I couldn't take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

So now I'm praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don't think that I can really survive
I'll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I'm praying for the end of time
It's all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!!!

I mean seriously, what a shitty thing to think and say. He rather die than stay committed to this woman. How terrible?

When I finally arrived at the Captain's and told the story of my discovery he looked at me dumbfounded at the thought that I just realized that Mr. Loaf is a jerk. "Maybe it's not Meat's fault. Maybe the woman is a total bitch. Did you ever think about that?" he said to me. "Where have you been that you just made this discovery? This is old news."

Apparently I was living in a happy place where nothing named Meatloaf can do you harm.






Paradise by the Dashboard Light
Meatloaf
off of Bat Out of Hell


Your Daily Barista



* Click on the photos to find links to the sites where they came from

003: That's What She Said

I'm sitting in a seminar for 8A Certification. The speaker (in trying to discuss retirement assets) says:

"I'm gonna lose so much if I try and pull it out"

That's what she said.


YDB

Public Discomfort - I can hear your hearing aide from over here Mister

sitting in a seminar next to and elderly man whose hearing aid is whistling like a microphone next to a speaker. uber annoying. its gonna be a long day.

R.I.P. SpongeBob SquarePants (2008-2009)

SpongeBob came to me last August while on vacation. The Captain and I spend the night in the arcades on Wildwood's boardwalk. In honor of the Beijing Olympics (that were in their first week during our trip) the Captain and I decided to hold our own little Wildwood Olympiad. We picked a handful of games that we would compete in and whomever won the best 2 out of 3 would be declared the Gold Medalist (lame, I know). That is when I saw SpongeBob sitting inside a crane machine. I wanted him. Nay, I need him. After the 3rd try, the first 2 attempts only resulted in readjusting `Bob's position, he was mine. To show off my "gold medal" I decided to zip tie him to my handlebars.

"I'm Ready"
SpongBob SquarePants
August 2008-August 2009

And there he stayed until last night....

Last night there was a vicious rain storm in Wildwood. Lightening, thunder, high winds, the works. So this morning when I woke up to take Cosmo out for his morning poo, I was horrified to find that SpongeBob was ripped from my handlebars. It was like after the flying monkeys attack the scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. "They took my body and threw it over there. And then they took my legs and threw them over there."

Cosmo the Wonderdog



His legs are still zip tied to my handlebars.



Even after having his legs ripped from his body, he is still a 'Chipper Sea Sponge.'

Oh SpongeBob how I will miss thee. Your wide eyes would make me laugh every time I saw you. Your radiant smile made me scream "I'm Ready" whenever I mounted my bicycle. And your plushy head served me well as a pillow during the breaks of long bike rides.

Rest in Peace.
Your Daily Barista

Public Discomfort - Maybe my mother was wrong, I am not a good person

sittin at woody's in north wildwood drinkin malibu bay breezes (i'll be ill in the a.m.) playing quizzo. watched a lady fall backwards off a barstool. i didnt help.

Public Discomfort - Apparently the No Shoes Rule No Longer Applies

sitting at crappablebees (sorry lizziebeth) and there are 3 kids runnin around w/o shoes. what the hell! that is totally gross.

Public Discomfort - The Broad Street C Bus Choir

woman on c bus wearing ear buds. she's singing & groovin on the word of the lord. funny, this isnt the 1st time i've seen her. oops, she's singing in tongues.

Public Discomfort - In his mind, he's at a Ball.

from my bro - FWD: 18 and chestnut homeless guy wearing a tux. he's a classly bum.

Public Discomfort - Ummm, Nah. Try Again.

who thought tapered-legged, genie pants, belted, animal printed, strapless jumpsuit was a good idea. obviously the hipster doofus on the subway. ugh.

Left: what the back of the closets are for. Right: BeBe, but it is out-of-stock.

**LizzieBeth, if you say this sounds like a good idea, we are no longer friends. lol.

I Live In a Constant Seinfeld Episode - Exhibit D

The Pen
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired: 10/2/1991

In honor of my upcoming vacation at the Captain’s parent’s home (the Del Boca Vista of North Wildwood), I have decided to tell you all a little story about the first time the Captain and I visited his parent’s new home at the Jersey Shore.

It was the summer 2 years ago. I had just bought Bubbles Jr. (my lovable Beetle Turbo Convertible) and the Captain’s parents were nestled into their beach house for the past 3 weeks. One Saturday, the Captain and I decided to load up the new convertible (which we soon learned is not the best car for trunk space) and take a ride down to see the place. It was a scorching hot day. It was so hot we were forced to pull over and put the roof back up while we sat in traffic.

We pull up to the new condo and I was very impressed. Second floor with a loft and two decks, the perfect shore house. But something was off. The air conditioner was off to be exact. It was sweltering in that house. I remember looking at the Captain and mouthing “is it hot in here or is it me?” He looked at me and nodded in agreement. As we talked and discussed what were where going to go for lunch, the temperature in the house just kept rising. Unable to take any more, the Captain looked at his mom and said “It’s so hot in here, can you put the AC on?”

JERRY: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?

His mother looked confused and said, (no lie) “You’re hot?”

The Captain and I immediately caught the coincidence and started chuckling behind her back (when you watch as much Seinfeld as we do, catching a Seinfeld moment is like picking up on a That’s What She Said. It becomes like second nature.) After helping shut all the windows, we notice his father at the thermostat muttering to himself “I don’t even know how this thing works.”

ELAINE: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.

HELEN: You're hot?

ELAINE: I've lost 6 pounds.

HELEN: I don't even know how to work it.

A few minutes later we felt a nice, cold breeze hissing out of the vents. Sweet, sweet relief. (Your Barista is an A.C. All the Way kinda gal.) We were still sitting around the living room watching Cosmo play with his Stinky Frog and still deciding what to do about lunch. (Taking long to decided where and what to do, I have learned, is not unusual. One of the Capt’s favorite stories consists of a 2 hour discussion as to what to do followed by a cross-island bike ride to the place and it wasn’t even open.)

After an hour had passed and a decision was reached (The Wharf for beer and his dad’s favorite beach band Sindi Raymond - get it like Sin....oh middle age rockers, you're so clever!), we are waiting to for the Captain’s dad to get his shoes on and we notice his mom sitting on the sofa rubbing her arms for warmth. The Captain and I were trying our best to hold in our laughter. 

To be funny (and to finish out the script) the Captain said to his mom, “you can turn down the air conditioner.”

"No, No, I'm fine," she said.

[setting: still the condo, later]

(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)

ELAINE: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.

HELEN: No. I'm fine.

ELAINE: You're not too cold?

HELEN: No.

Thanks to this wonderful exchange, his parent’s condo has now lovingly became known as Phase Two at the Pines or just simply Del Boca Vista.

* To their defense, at night, that house is a frigging meat locker. I am talking socks and sweatshirts. I am convinced his mom drops that thermostat down to 60 at night.

** This past Spring, I bought the Captain an Astronaut Pen from the National Air & Space Museum. It really does write upside down.

YDB