I Live In a Constant Seinfeld Episode - Exhibit D

The Pen
Season 3, Episode 3 - Aired: 10/2/1991

In honor of my upcoming vacation at the Captain’s parent’s home (the Del Boca Vista of North Wildwood), I have decided to tell you all a little story about the first time the Captain and I visited his parent’s new home at the Jersey Shore.

It was the summer 2 years ago. I had just bought Bubbles Jr. (my lovable Beetle Turbo Convertible) and the Captain’s parents were nestled into their beach house for the past 3 weeks. One Saturday, the Captain and I decided to load up the new convertible (which we soon learned is not the best car for trunk space) and take a ride down to see the place. It was a scorching hot day. It was so hot we were forced to pull over and put the roof back up while we sat in traffic.

We pull up to the new condo and I was very impressed. Second floor with a loft and two decks, the perfect shore house. But something was off. The air conditioner was off to be exact. It was sweltering in that house. I remember looking at the Captain and mouthing “is it hot in here or is it me?” He looked at me and nodded in agreement. As we talked and discussed what were where going to go for lunch, the temperature in the house just kept rising. Unable to take any more, the Captain looked at his mom and said “It’s so hot in here, can you put the AC on?”

JERRY: God it's so hot in here. Why don't you put on the air conditioning?

His mother looked confused and said, (no lie) “You’re hot?”

The Captain and I immediately caught the coincidence and started chuckling behind her back (when you watch as much Seinfeld as we do, catching a Seinfeld moment is like picking up on a That’s What She Said. It becomes like second nature.) After helping shut all the windows, we notice his father at the thermostat muttering to himself “I don’t even know how this thing works.”

ELAINE: Mrs Seinfeld, please. I am begging you. Put the air conditioner on.

HELEN: You're hot?

ELAINE: I've lost 6 pounds.

HELEN: I don't even know how to work it.

A few minutes later we felt a nice, cold breeze hissing out of the vents. Sweet, sweet relief. (Your Barista is an A.C. All the Way kinda gal.) We were still sitting around the living room watching Cosmo play with his Stinky Frog and still deciding what to do about lunch. (Taking long to decided where and what to do, I have learned, is not unusual. One of the Capt’s favorite stories consists of a 2 hour discussion as to what to do followed by a cross-island bike ride to the place and it wasn’t even open.)

After an hour had passed and a decision was reached (The Wharf for beer and his dad’s favorite beach band Sindi Raymond - get it like Sin....oh middle age rockers, you're so clever!), we are waiting to for the Captain’s dad to get his shoes on and we notice his mom sitting on the sofa rubbing her arms for warmth. The Captain and I were trying our best to hold in our laughter. 

To be funny (and to finish out the script) the Captain said to his mom, “you can turn down the air conditioner.”

"No, No, I'm fine," she said.

[setting: still the condo, later]

(Jerry's gone scuba diving. Elaine is lying on the floor with pillows under her legs. Morty and Helen are on the couch, looking at Elaine. Helen is wearing a sweater and she's freezing)

ELAINE: Oh, oh, O.K. (Helen holds her sweater tight against herself) You can turn down the air conditioning if you want.

HELEN: No. I'm fine.

ELAINE: You're not too cold?

HELEN: No.

Thanks to this wonderful exchange, his parent’s condo has now lovingly became known as Phase Two at the Pines or just simply Del Boca Vista.

* To their defense, at night, that house is a frigging meat locker. I am talking socks and sweatshirts. I am convinced his mom drops that thermostat down to 60 at night.

** This past Spring, I bought the Captain an Astronaut Pen from the National Air & Space Museum. It really does write upside down.

YDB